Man oh man was last night hard! After I logged off I slept for maybe 1 hr, then the nightmare began....all night long he cried & cried. He was so angry! Nothing I did stoped him. Its was the worst night we've had in a long time. For the first time in over 4 months I broke down. I actually had to leave the room & compose myself. I hate feeling that way. Like I cant handle it! But sometimes its so fustrating, not knowing what to do or how to calm him. Then all kinds of emotions come rushing out. Like when is this going to pass, you know I think about how Eric Ryan is 2 yrs old already & its like I still have a newborn. I love him very much dont take this wrong, but sometimes I feel cheated. Not only for myself but for him as well. I know its just as fustrating for him to, I can hear it in his voice & thats what makes me feel horrible! So, last night I sat in the restroom, head in my lap & cried my eyes out. I prayed & prayed for him to stop crying & just go to sleep. I kept asking God why! Why! After all Eric Ryan is going through, why does he allow him to suffer? Why cant he just give him a comfortable peaceful life? Doesnt he deserve that? Dont we both deserve that? What did I do that was so evil that my son is now paying the price for? I know of others who have been much worst then me & they have perfectly healthy children, that they barely take care of!

Then I go back into the room & just stared at Eric Ryan. I wanted to hold him & love on him & tell him how sorry I was for this. But everytime I tried he became more angry. As the night turned into morning it got easier. Its terrible to say but I think I got used to him crying. Before I knew it, it was 5am & time to get his morning feeding & medicine ready. Then 8am came along & Alice, our nurse, got here. I was so thankful. I felt like a zombie. I took the covers & went to the livingroom & knocked out!

We were supposed to go to therapy but Eric Ryan was still too fussy & hardly slept. But by about 4pm he was starting to calm sown & we actually took nap for like 1 1/2hrs. After he woke up he was in a better mood, thank you Jesus! As the day turned into night he became nice again & we were able to cuddle. I told him how sorry I was for last night & that I loved him very much. I always feel guilty when Im upset with him for that. But I was sooo tired! Eric Ryan got a little fussy about 9pm but that was becaues he was tired. So, I rocked him to sleep & so far so good.

I pray for a better night!