Oh my! The last few days have been something else! Eric Ryan has had some pretty hard days. I guess I'll start with Saturday....

We got a nurse during the day & I was able to take Jazmin & her cousin Jane to my cousins sons birthday party. We had made arrangements ahead of time for Eric to pick up the kids at 8pm (the time the nurse was to leave). I get a phone call at about 7:20pm, Eric is in Mexico with his friend & the friend had got into some trouble. Im so upset for 2 reasons: 1) I have never gotten along with this friend, who by the way has aposlutely no respect for anyone especially women 2) I have to leave the party early to make sure I get home on time & who knows when Erics coming home. He was suppsoed to take Ryan for the night to give me time for myself. I was so looking forward to this night. I hadnt had time off like this in so long & Eric knew how much I needed this. So, I go home & Ryan is sleeping like an angel! About 2 hours later Eric gets here & takes the kids home with him. I have an awesome night with Janae's mom LeeAnn & my cousin Roxy.

Sunday: I get to sleep in for the first time in how knows how long! Eric called abot 8:30am for me to pick Ryan up. I ask is he was awake & he said no. Turns out the little booger slept all night long & was still asleep! Ryan has never, ever slept that much for me!!! Ahhh!!!! I tell him 1 more hour & he says ok. He calls back about 9"30am & Ryan is awake but being good. I say jsut 1 more hour. I finally get up to get Ryan about an hour later. We come home & Ryans nurse gets here a little after noon. I normally dont have a nurse on Sundays but did becasue Mon was Labor Day. Teh nurse left about 8:30pm & thats when the torture began. Ryan cried & cried all night long! He would fall alslep eer now & then but only for about 5 mins if that. I totally lost it! I think I cried just as much as him. I prayed & prayed & became angry when nothing happened. I couldnt understand!! I start getting horriblw thoughts in my head & the sound of Ryans voice is like hammers hitting my head!! I call Eric but he doesnt answer! I dont know what to do! The hours go by & I just lay there crying. Ryan is squirming all over the bed but Im afraid to pick him up. In my mind it was like I was being attacked!

Monday: After a long night of no sleep I feel like a zombie. I have no feeling towards Ryan, no anger no love nothing. I just look at him & wish he would just go away. Then a rush of feeling sweep over me & I begin to cry! How can I feel this way about my own son? I do love him! I with all my heart & soul! Whats wrong with me?! I call Eric again & he's still not answering! I text & text him that I really need him to call, I beg him to call. He finally does & I remember telling him I couldnt do this anymore & he had to pick Ryan up. At that moment I honestly felt as if I didnt want him anymore, I just wanted it all to stop & go away. My mind was racing! 2 yrs, 2 yrs of my life, gone! He sayd ok that he would be here in 30mins. For some reason that made me feel so much better! I felt a little peace come over me. I am able to get up & take Ryan a bath. After his bath he finally falls asleep. I think "Why didnt I do this before?" But in my heart I knew why, I couldnt handle him earlier. Eric gets here soon after & do you know that he laughed at me! He said "Another breakdown!" I couldnt believe he said that! Just then I went into zombie mode & told him to just take him. I packed Ryans stuff & told him to call me later. This was a little about 2pm. Once they left I fell to sleep. I slept the rest of the day & into the evening. I was completely worn out, emotionally & physically. I finally got up & took a shower in the early evening & my sister April came into the room. She asked if I was ok & I broke. I told her how I had been feeling & How horrible I felt for feeling that way. I told her how I prayed & nothing happened, how I try & try & think Im doing a good job with him but I seem to be getting punished & not rewarded. I mean what else does God want from me? We sat there for a few minutes just crying. I know she didnt know what to say. Its hard for those who do not have a child with HPE or similar conditions to know what your going through. Eric dropped Ryan off about 9pm & he was still fussy. I told him how I was feeling & he asked if I wanted to go stay the night with him. I said no, I didnt want to repack all Ryans stuff & we were going to have a nurse the next morning. He said pk but that if I changed my mind to just call him. I am so grateful that Eric was there to give me that much needed break. Maybe hes not so bad after all! lol! I try & prepare myself emotionally for another long night when my mom calls. It seems April had called to let her know what was going on. She had been praying with her sister in the Lord RosaLinda. God told her to tell me to tell Ryan it was ok for him to rest. She also said I needed to read to Ryan from the book of Psalms in the Bible. I told my mom I didnt have mine with me so she said to ask April. I told her I would. We prayed & I cried again. Its always been so hard for me to ask anyone other then Eric for help when it comes to this. I guess because everyone always tells me how srong I am & I dont want to let them down. When I got off the phone, I really didnt want to ask April for her bible. Then I remembered how mom had given me a devotional book & that it somehow came with Ryans stuff. I looked for it & what would you know, it was "The Everyday Guide to...The Pslams"!! It had teh scriptures on 1 side & an explanation on the other side. So, I got Ryan settled on his side of the bed & told him "Grandma told me to tell you its ok to rest. Mommys here & Im not going anywhere or gonna let anything happen to you. So rest baby, its ok to rest" I then began to read to him. Little by little Ryan began to calm down & in about 15mins was alseep. My heart jumped! I just looked to heaven & said thatnk you God! Ryan stirred everynow & then over the next 20 minutes but I would just pick up the book & began to read. After that I felt my body giving in. I fell asleep so fast I dont remember moving to my side of the bed. (I sleep at Ryans feet since hes such a lite sleeper I dont want to stir him when I move).

Today: Eric Ryan woke up about 5am still alittle fussy. I called the doctors office about 8:30am to let them know what was going on. I really felt as if it might be the Kepra which is know to cause behavoral changes. The nurse had been here since 8am & I was able to get more sleep. I felt as if I didnt sleep although I really had gotten lots of sleep. Eric said it was probably because of Sunday night with no sleep at all. We cancel his therapy which I felt guilty about becuse he only had 2 more before we move. But I knew Ryan would not tolerate. Ryan has been better today over all. I can see an improvement although he has been a little fussy. Mom called again & said that she feels we really need to be in Ca right now. Im really excited about going, I can really need the emotional support that only Mom & Dad can give.

I dont knwo whay I felt the way I did Sunday night. I feel so guilty & horrible for it. I picked Ryan up today & told him how much I love him & want him forever & always. Mom said that we need to stop praying for what we want & start thanking God for it already. So, I thank God for the peace Im going to have & for all hes going to do in our lives. I thank God for Ryan sleeping better & haveing no seizures.

I thank God for my Mom, Norma Handy, who has always been there to pray & give support even when I didnt ask her to. I love you mom!