Entry for April 23, 2007
Another weekend has past & it was a long one for me.
Eric Ryan has been awesome. He is gagging every now & then but not nearly as bad as before. Im able to give his feedins at the normal pace wihtout any issues.
Saturday Big Eric had to work so Ryan & I went to my nephews baseball games. Big Eric is supposed to be helping my dad coach & missed their 1st game. It was a nice day not too cold & not hot at all. Ryan slept through most of it though. It was so cute to watch the little ones play ball. Most didnt really know how, running to the wrong bases & throwing the ball to their imaginary friends. There was no score keeping so its mainly just for fun & to teach them how to play. But I couldnt help but wonder how Ryan would be if he was not born with HPE. Which kind of child he would have been: the one sitting in the outfield playing with the grass, or the one poking his nose the shocked when the ball comes to him? Maybe he would have been one of the few kids who actually knew how to play a little & really tried. Those are things I think about alot when Im at a birthday party, or sitting in class with my nephew when they have a party. Then I look at Ryan, he is so amazing, just as he is. He wants to be alive so bad that he fights everyday to prove it. Just thinking about all he's been through to be here today....words cant express.
Sunday was my busy day. We got up early to go to church & had to leave early. I mentioned before that I jpined a dance class. Well, we're getting ready for a competition that will be in the end of May. We're workinf on an 8min production with about 60 or so kids, teens & adults. It is going to be amazing. But yesturday we were all there putting the peices together. There is going to be costum changes & prop changes. We were there from 1pm-9pm! Im not even lying! I was so tired! But it felt really good, to be apart of something, something other then just being a mommy & housewife!
The funny thing is, I really missed Big Eric & Ryan! Up til now they had been to every practice with me. The class is very family friendly. So even though I joined the class to have something for me, it turned out to be something we all went to! I didnt mind at all though. Not only that, I didnt realize I didnt mind until yesturday. I really hadnt thought of it. But being gone for so long & not having Big Eric & Ryan there on the sideline cheering me on, was kinda sad! I called home every chance I got & sent text messages.
When I finally did get home Ryan was awake. I cuddled next to him & told him how much I missed him & loved him. I gave him lots of kissies! He was all excited! His face lite up when he saw me & was grinning & making little noises. Then within minutes he was fast asleep!
You know I had thought that dancing again would give me back apart of the person I was before Ryan & HPE became my life. Now I realize that I dont want to be that person, I am that person, just better. Better because I have something & someone more that depends on me & loves me like no other. That all this time I've been saying Ryan is my life & didnt realize that Im his life too! It may not have been anyting major to anyone else. But coming home & knowing that my son missed me & was happy to see me & was waiting for me to kiss him goodnight, well that meant more to me then anything.
